CHAPTER 8: INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP STAGES AND THEORY

Whether we like it or not, interpersonal relationship is very important in our life. We can derive many benefits from it. Among the benefits are to lessen loneliness, to gain self-knowledge, enhance self-esteem, contribute to physical and emotional health, maximize pleasure and minimize pain and to secure stimulation intellectually, physically, and emotionally.

            There are 6 RELATIONSHIP STAGES in an interpersonal relationship.

1.Contact

The stage that you initial interaction and engage in invitational communication. You will decide whether you want to persue the relationship or not.

Perceptual contact	o   You get a physical picture (Gender, age, etc.).
Interactional contact	o   You exchange basic information such as “Hi, my name is Zack!” o   May also be nonverbal like exchanging smiles.

2. Involvement

The stage whereby each person tries to find out how the other feels about the relationship.

Testing	o   You want to prove that your initial judgment is reasonable. o   Ask questions: “What are you majoring in?”
Intensifying	o   You try to get know to each other better and begin to reveal yourself. o   You begin to share your feelings and emotions

3. Intimacy

The stage that you can be honest and open when talking about yourself, that you can express thoughts and feelings you wouldn’t reveal to others.

Interpersonal commitment	o   You commit yourself to each other in a more private way. o   Example: Appointment, date, etc.
Social bonding	o   Commitment is made public. o   The two of you become a unit or a pair

At this stage, you also increase your display of affiliative cues (signs that show you love the other person) and give Duchenne smiles (smiles that are beyond voluntary control)

4. Deterioration

The stage that sees the weakening of bonds between parties and represent the downside of the relationship progression. When the reasons for coming together no longer exist, relationship may deteriorate. For instance, when the relationship fails to maximize your pleasure, it may be deteriorated. In this stage, intrapersonal dissatisfaction and interpersonal dissatisfaction occurs.

5. Repair

 The stage of negotiating new agreements and new behaviors.

Intrapersonal repair	o   You analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving the problem. o   You may consider changing or behaviors or changing your expectations of your partner.
Interpersonal repair	o   Have discussions with your partner. o   Talk about the problems in the relationship, what you would be willing to do and what you would want the other person to do.

-REPAIR: strategies of repairing a relationship

= R: Recognize the problem

= E: Engage in productive conflict resolution

= P: Pose possible solutions

= A: Affirm each other

= I: Integrate solutions

= R: Risk giving

6. Dissolution

You cut the bond tying you together. The stage of relief and relaxation or the stage of anxiety and frustration.

Intrapersonal separating	o  Do not see each other anymore and even stop exchanging text messages.
Social or public separation	o  Definition of relationship changes. o  Example: Ex-lovers become friends

Moving on from the relationship stages, we have Relationship Theories.

1. Attraction theory

     People form relationship on the basis of attraction. There are 4 major factors for this attraction. First, there is similarity whereby people tend to like those who are similar to them. Sometimes people are attracted to their opposites, a pattern known as complementary. For example, a passive person might be attracted towards an active person. However, this rarely happens.

     Next, proximity or physical closeness is when people become friends with the people who they have the greatest opportunity to interact with each other. This is usually those who live or work near to us.

      Thirdly, in reinforcement we are attracted to people who give rewards and people that we give rewards to. We justify your behavior by believing that the person was worth your efforts.

     Lastly is physical attractiveness and personality. In this case, people tend to like a more physical attractive person and people who have pleasant personality.

2. Relationship Rules Theory

Relationships are held together by adherence to certain rules.

Friendship rules

The strategy for maintaining a friendship depends on your knowing the rules and having the ability to apply the appropriate interpersonal skills.

Romantic rules

There are 8 major romantic rules.

ü Acknowledge each other’s identities

ü Express similarities in attitudes, beliefs, etc.

ü Enhance the value and self-esteem of each other

ü Be open and honest

ü Be faithful

ü Spend shared time together

ü Obtain rewards

ü Experience a “magic” in each other

Family rules

 It concerns on 3 main interpersonal communication issues.

What can you talk about?

How can you talk about something?

To whom can you talk?

Workplace rules

- Work very hard

- The good of company comes first

- Don’t reveal company policies and plans to others

- Avoid the hint of sexual harassment

3. Relationship Dialectics theory

People in a relationship experience dynamic tensions between pairs of opposing motives and desires.

Tension between closeness and openness

The desire to be in a closed relationship and the wish to be in a relationship that is open to different people.

Tension between autonomy and connection

The desire to remain as an independent individual and the wish to connect intimately to another person.

Tension between novelty and predictability

The desire for new experience and the wish to have a same and stable relationship.

4. Social Penetration theory

It describes relationship in terms of the number of topics that people talk about and their degree of “personalness”.

- Breadth: number of topics you and your partner talk about

- Depth: degree to which you penetrate the inner personality of the other individual.

Source: https://interactly.com/blog/truly-personal-email/

5. Social Exchange Theory

- You develop relationships that will enable you to maximize your profits.

- Profits = Rewards – Costs

- Comparison level

-          A general idea of the kinds of rewards and profits that you feel you ought to get out of the    relationship.              

-          Consists of your realistic expectations concerning what you feel you deserve from this relationship.

6. Equity Theory

You develop the relationships in which the ratio of your rewards relative to your costs is approximately equal to your partner’s.

- Equitable relationship: each party derives rewards that are proportional to their costs.

- You’ll feel angry and dissatisfied if you are underbenefited, and feel guilty if you are overbenefited.

- The greater the inequity, the greater the dissatisfaction, the greater the likelihood that the relationship will end.

The Dark Side of Interpersonal Relationship

Jealousy- Feeling of danger of the relationship due to some rival.

There are 3 components of jealousy:

Cognitive jealousy	It involves suspicious thinking, worrying or imagining different situations of your partner interested in someone.
Emotional jealousy	It is a kind of feeling we have when we see our partner doing something with our rival such as talking intimately.
Behavioral jealousy	It refers to our actions in response to our jealousy. Example: Reading our partner’s text messages.

*Mate guarding: Things you would do in order to guard your partner and relationship. This includes concealment, vigilance and monopolize the partner.

Violence

      There are 3 types of relationship violence which are physical abuse, verbal or emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Some warning signals of relationship violence are your partner insults you, control pieces of your life, gets jealous without reason and cannot handle sexual frustration without anger. So, how can we deal with these violence? Below are some tips:

If YOU are the VICTIM:

Ø  Realize that you are not alone

Ø  Realize that you are not at fault

Ø  Plan for your safety

Ø  Know your resources

If YOU are the VIOLENT PARTNER:

Ø  Know that you can change

Ø  Own your own behaviors, take responsibility for it.

Activity:

During the classes, the lecturer asked us to have a discussion for the video assignment with our group members. It was a very good idea because he gave us some very useful suggestions for our video assignment as we really don’t know how to do it.